I'm Fat.

Every day I wake up and I look in the mirror. I lift my shirt up to see the stretch marks and the sagging skin from the wonderful joys of being a mother. Every day I see the inches of fat I need to lose and the cellulite. I don't even step on the scale anymore, I'm afraid it might go off and be like "You are too fat to weigh! GET OFF" sure that might be exaggerating a bit, but I'm terrified to even know how much I weigh right now.

I see that when I smile I have a double chin, makeup only does so much to cover the insecurities I face on a daily basis.

Most days I prefer not to even go outside. I'd rather not face the public, even though I realize that they are all self-involved and probably don't even notice me. I sit down on the bed and pull on a pair of Spanx, trying to shove every piece of unfit crappyness that my body is into this nylon contraption, in the hopes that it will make me a little less repulsive.

I hide under blankets or behind pillows when people come over, hoping that it might mask the weight.

Every time I open the cupboad in the kitchen, it goes in slow motion. I think about not eating anything all day because hey, if you don't eat, you can't gain weight, right? My body clearly doesn't need anything more, it's had enough.

I don't bother trying to look good. Clothes at my size are more expensive and never flattering. I might as well just stay in sweatpants and a sweatshirt all day, because I'm not going to look good in normal clothes anyway.

I could try to justify it and say that I'm fat, accept me as I am. But I don't want to accept myself as I am. I don't. It's gross, it's unhealthy and could kill me. I could say that it's genetics, or that my metabolism just isn't that great, or that it was caused from being pregnant and being a mom... but the truth is, I've just been lazy and uncaring about myself. I've started 800 diets and failed them all. I see people losing weight around me all of the time, why can't I do it? It just sucks, ya know?

It sucks to feel like you're the only failure around you. Especially when I work so hard to be the best at everything and I do a pretty good job at anything I put my mind to. But for some reason there is a mental block that is telling me I cannot do this. I don't know why, I don't know why I feel so stuck being this way. I hate it. I hate feeling judged for eating any type of food. I hate that people come over after I haven't eatten all day and I sit down to eat and they go "Are you sure you need that?" you're right, I don't, I'll be anorexic, it'll be awesome! Except I could never be anorexic because I like food.

There's a friend I have who always talks about how fat girls are. I think he makes it a point to say it around me.

I try to let it go, I try to eat well, I try to exercise, but I fail. I just want to give up. I don't know what to do. I can't afford a personal trainer or a gym membership. I can't afford a nutritionist or to have my stomach stapled. I have to do it on my own.

I'm just sick of myself. I'm not even comfortable with my husband seeing me naked. My husband! The man I have been with for 5 years almost every day. The longest we've ever been apart is 2 weeks, since the day I met him.

Every day I say I can do it, I can be better, but I just fail. I'm tired of myself.

I see beautiful women all around me, all the time. They hit on my husband too. I can't help but to think "What if I'm not good enough for him? He's good looking, girls hit on him all the time, what if he decides that because I am the way I am, it's just not good enough anymore? Then what?"

It's become so bad at times that I wonder if people would just be better off without me. Like maybe if I just left they would all have a better life, because what am I really contributing? I am just wasting space in society and eating food that some poor kid in Africa would die for. Literally.

It's depressing. I feel like I have a sickness that is 100% curable but I'm too weak to do it myself but no one is willing to help me cure it.

I'm hoping that I will be able to do this, to lose weight, to stick with it. But I feel pretty hopeless, alone, ashamed, disgusted.

Hopefully my personality is good enough to make up for what I lack in physical features.