Controvery

There have been many times where I've wanted to say exactly what I felt, I've typed it out countless times, but I always erase it. Why though?

Because I am afraid of the judgement that would come from my mostly unpopular views. I'm not a perfect human being and I am sure that my ideas, ideals and thoughts will reflect that. However, I am open to learning from individuals who are clear, concise and understanding.

I have many opinions on various subjects. I have learned to keep my mouth shut, because if I want interaction with human beings, my unpopular views and beliefs must be kept secret.

I ask questions that cause debates and will rebuttle with things that may throw people off guard or make them uncomfortable. It's irritating to me that people can't post respectful debates and instead just get judged based on their opinion, due to the fact that everybody always views themselves as correct.

I wasn't always this way though. I didn't always ask questions or have opinions, in fact it was mostly the opposite. I was a quiet, shy, people pleasing individual that only wanted to make other people happy. All I wanted was a friend. But I've realized that real friends rarely exist, everyone is out to better themselves and unless you have something that you can contribute to their lives they wont care.

In fact, I doubt many people will read this post. But that's okay. It's not for anyone else. This is for me.
This is me attempting to be somewhat vulnerable and transparent. I'm doing a pretty bad job getting anywhere.

I have this friend, his name is Dan. Dan is a very thought-provoking individual. What I mean by that is; he constantly questions everything and he always asks the question "Why?" this can be entirely irritating. Sometimes I just want to say something and not have to think about why I said it, I just said it - okay? But a majority of the time I am very thankful that he listens and allows me to expand on why I believe something, or why I thought the way that I do on whatever subject.

I have found comfort in this friendship, because he actually honestly cares why I believe something. He lets me get to the end of my thought - even if it's broken up and takes me a while to form entirely - before he tells me his opinion or thoughts on what I discussed.

Why can't everyone be that way? Can't people just be respectful of differing opinions and viewpoints? My viewpoint might be that I am unaccepting of certain lifestyle choices, but I am content with agreeing to disagree with you on the matter. Or I am open to listening to why whatever lifestyle choice is a good thing, if you give me valid reasons to consider and don't just tell me that I'm wrong.

It's funny because until recently, Dan and I rarely agreed on anything. Most of our conversations were in disagreement with each other but it never felt that way, because he was able to take the emotion out of it and just see it as a topic of conversation, not a personal attack when I had a disagreeing viewpoint.

I have an inner conflict with my own thoughts and beliefs at times;

A major one being homosexuality.

Part of me will never be accepting of the idea. To me it is unnatural, it's kinda gross and I feel like I have to be politically correct and wonder if what I'm saying may accidentally offend someone because of stereotypes that other people set up.

The other part of me LOVES them. I love these people, they are normal human beings, with feelings, emotions etc. they are people. A lot of times that is forgotten, that they are human. I know my previous statement would be wildly offensive and hurtful to people who are homosexual. It's a difficult thing for me to explain how I feel because my innerbeing is so conflicted on the matter.

I've been taught that it's wrong.
I've been taught to love everyone.
I've been taught that marriage is for man and woman.
I've been taught that God doesn't make mistakes.
I've been taught that there are people who are born that way and it is a psychological and scientific fact that their brains operate differently.
I've been taught that those who are not Christians are not held to the same standards of life that I am and I am to be accepting of them but not necessarily the lifestyle.

So if all of these things are true.. what do I believe? How do I choose between what the Bible says? It clearly groups homosexuality into sin with numerous other things that people do every day, but it is the only 'sin' that is not viewed at by the public as a sin. However, if God doesn't make mistakes, he's all knowing, these people were literally born with their brain wired differently.... then how can I be condemning of it? Was it just a human point of view in the verse that condemns homosexuality?

I choose to be loving and accepting because they need it just as much as everyone else. But there's always a little bit of reluctance and an uneasy feeling when people ask me my views on homosexuality and homosexual marriage because I can't 100% support it because of the inner conflict that I have.

Sure, you can call me ignorant. You can call me closed-minded. You can call me every name in the book. Truth is, it wont make a difference. Calling me names with nothing behind the words other than hurt feelings based on my opinions and thoughts, wont get you anywhere in my book, I'll shut you out and shut it off. If you have something legitimate to say and tell me that might help to clarify a viewpoint, I would love to listen and it is entirely possible that you would change my mind forever.

But people don't seem to understand that. They just think I'm stupid and end it and then that point of view is there forever. That's okay I guess, that's who I am.