Overcast

It's a heavily overcast day and she was placed into an overgrown field of brown grass. The wind is still and the animals are quiet. Not even a cricket is heard to give off their soft lullabyes.

She stands there, a small breeze of wind flows through for just a second, pushing her dress into the wind. She turns in a circle, no one is there, but she can feel someone watching her.

Where she has come from no one knows. They wonder what her next move will be.

She stands there paralyzed, touching her arm as though she were cold, but it's not cold, she just did it for comfort. There are no markers of direction. There are trees in a distance, in every direction.

"Make your move." She heard a voice come from no where as though it were over a speaker system.

Her eyes looked around, which way should she step? Was anyone even near here? Who would she find? If she found someone, would they be someone in passing or would they be someone who would help carry her if she felt weak?

Rain drops started to drip drip drip from the sky.

"This is what you make it." She told herself, "just take the first step." she didn't know why that first step was so hard. She could see the ground all around, yet she still felt like she was going to fall in that first step.

She stared at the ground.

"Move."

She kept staring, her legs frozen in place.

"Go. What are you waiting for?" She heard the voice.

"If it's so easy for you, then you do it. Leave me alone. I'll move when I'm ready to move."

"Using your voice is scary isn't it?" The voice said.

"Why is it so hard? Why is this so hard? It doesn't make sense, it's words, words fall from my lips like nothing, they are meaningless."

"They don't have to be."

"But they are. What good are words if no one can hear them?"

"Step."

"I can't."

"You can, but you wont. There's a difference."

"I wont."

"Ask for help."

"No."

"You're going to die if you just stand here and don't take that step."

"Maybe it's better this way, at least I'd die knowing I wouldn't bother anyone."  She said.

"Is that really what you are afraid of? Bothering someone? Is that why you can't step?"

She sat in the grass. Standing was exhausting.

"No."

"Then what is it?"

"I'm invisible. No one can hear me. No one can see me. " Suddenly the surroundings changed from sitting in a field to her sitting on a concrete sidewalk in the middle of a busy city. Cars honking horns, people walking straight by her, their eyes focused past her, some tripping over her as they walk by, though they looked, they saw nothing and continued walking.

"Take a step." The voice said.

"Why? For what purpose."

"You'll discover it."

"I doubt it."

"You have one."

"Do I? Really? Cuz I don't think so."

"Just take a step."

"I can't."

"Yes you can."

"I don't know how to walk."

"Ask for help."

"No one can see me."

Still..

I was 11 years old when we took a trip to Arizona, we were visiting my aunt and uncle there and they had a few neighbor girls who were relatively thin. I don't ever remember feeling fat before then but someone had made a comment comparing me to the other girls in the area, saying that maybe I should be more active or put on a diet when they thought I was out of earshot. So the next morning I woke up before everyone else in the house did and I walked into the bathroom, the sun was shining through the window and lighting up the nice clean white room. I saw a scale on the floor and decided I was going to weigh myself.

I weighed 115 pounds. Which as a 5'1" 11 year old was a little bit chunky, not technically overweight, just chubby. I knew that other people my age were between 80-90 pounds and I was no longer fitting into the kids clothes that were supposed to be made up to sizes 13/14 yrs old. I remember feeling devastated that I weighed that much and looked at the scale in disbelief.

A few weeks later I went to Sunday school and they were playing this game where one person would sit in a chair and everyone else would lift them up and carry them around the room. I don't remember the purpose of it, but I remember them telling me it was my turn and I politely said no thank you. One of the other classmates said "Thank God! She's too fat, we wouldn't be able to lift her up anyway."

Things like that stick with you. I mostly found myself sitting in corners and not participating because no one wanted to be my partner and I didn't want to force anyone to be unhappy. That year I was also rejected from being in Girl Scouts because I was home schooled, rejected from gymnastics for weighing too much and rejected from ballet for being chunky. I was allowed to be in the back, behind everyone else to cover up the way I looked.

I was told by boys that I would be lucky if anyone ever liked me because I was so ugly.

After that year, I grew 5 inches taller but gained no weight and then my boobs came in as well, so I was now a 5'6" 115lb girl with C cups. Suddenly all the boys were interested. All the boys who made fun of me before, came up to me and were asking me out and I knew it was purely because of the way I looked. I was still quiet and shy and sat in the corner alone because no one wanted to actually be my friend, they just wanted a girlfriend who was skinny.

When I was 13, I went up to 135lbs - oh no the horror. I was faced with cheerleaders in the bathroom picking out every ounce of fat they had, whining and complaining about how fat they were at 120 pounds and how they wished they could just drop 5 or 10 pounds "but at least we are thinner than you."

Every girl had their boyfriend, or their crush, and for whatever reason I had a crush on this one guy. At the time I thought he was cute, he was mostly just funny and his dad was a douchebag - or at least that's the general idea I was given by those who knew him. Boys with daddy issues are my favorite ya know? They treat their mama's well and they always desire that extra attention.

He heard that I liked him and my world flipped upside down. I went from being barely noticed to the most talked about loser there was. I was made fun of, horribly and constantly. I would walk into youth group or Sunday school and notes would be passed about me that would conveniently get back to me about how I was ugly, fat, stupid, lame, etc. People would pretend to be others online and ask me questions then print the conversations and share them and talk about how lame I was.

I was tied up and shoved into a heating closet in the church with another guy who got picked on a lot. We freed ourselves from the ropes and tape but we were locked in the closet and no one could hear us banging on the door. He pulled the classic TV stunt and climbed through a vent into the next room over and opened the door for me to get out.

It got so bad that I wanted to die. I thought in detail about the least painful and fastest way to go. The only reason - the ONLY reason - I didn't kill myself was because I couldn't figure out if I would go to hell for doing so. I searched the Bible for it, high and low and couldn't figure out if I'd go to hell for committing suicide. I got close a few times and ultimately decided not to because I didn't want to spend an eternity in hell on the off chance that it would send me there.

I endured what seemed like an eternity of being picked on. He wanted to make my life miserable and he did. He succeeded. I now hated him and would never like him ever again. Then, The Super Bowl came around, when I was 14. There was this other guy that I liked, named Logan. He told me he liked me, he wrote me songs and poems and one of the girls I thought was my friend asked if she could talk to him online to get to know him better (AIM was all the rage then, you know, so cool to talk online instantly). I said sure, of course, gave her his screen name and she had a long conversation with him.. which she printed out. He told her that I lied about everything, that he never did any of that for me, that he was not into me and that he could never date someone who was as pathetic and ugly as I was. She passed it around youth group that Super Bowl Sunday. She wouldn't let me see what she was passing around but everyone else was reading it and laughing and I finally just grabbed it out of someone's hands and started reading it quickly. I tore it up into as many pieces as I could and threw it in the trash. I remember the guys pointing and laughing and calling me pathetic and I just cracked. I ran out and cried - something I refused to do around anyone ever because it showed weakness.

I couldn't handle being picked on anymore. I told my parents I wasn't going back to that church even though my uncle was the youth pastor there. I had no friends there, everyone hated me, for no reason, other than it started because I liked some idiot of a guy in the youth group who wasn't into me.

My dad decided one day that it would be a good idea for me and this boy to sit down and have a talk. I refused. Multiple times. I locked myself in my room and said I would not talk to him. One day he forced me to go to church, I sat there, was ready to leave and he said "You're talking to him." I said "No, I'm not." he said "Yes you are." and when I didn't listen he picked me up and literally had to drag me into the little office, kicking and screaming like a 3 year old because that is how much I did not want to talk to him.

I sat on one end of the table, he sat at the other, our parents in the middle on either side.

"Cherise, what would you like to say to him?"His mom asked.
"Nothing."
"Cherise, be honest with him, what do you think about him?" she demanded I tell him. I had tears streaming down my face and he sat across the room with his arms folded and glaring at the floor. I looked up at him and he looked me in the eyes and I said;
"I hate you. And I want you to die." and I meant every word of it.
"Good. " He responded.
"No, no that is not good! You should not want someone to hate you that much. What do you have to say for yourself?" his mother yelled at him.
"I'm glad she hates me! It's better than her liking me and telling everyone that she likes me." he responded.
"Trust me (insert name), I hate you. I hate you more than I have ever hated anyone in my entire life. I wish you would burn and die the worst death a person could possibly die because I hate you that much and never want to see your stupid sorry face ever again."
"Cherise! That is uncalled for. You need to apologize." his mother told me.
"No."  I meant every word. To this day, 11 years later, I remember this like it was yesterday. All of the hurtful comments, exactly where I was sitting, exactly what he was wearing, I remember how I was feeling and the fact that he alone started the revolution that made me want to kill myself. He started it all. I had never been so depressed in my life as when I was 14 years old and I would never relive it even if someone paid me 80 billion dollars because they invited a time machine and wanted me to test it. I would not ever relive that. Ever.

There really isnt a day that goes by that I don't think about all of those hateful things that were said to me. As I get older I still hear whispers from girls who think my husband is attractive; "Why is he with her?" they are strangers who mean absolutely nothing, but those words take me back to when I was 11-14 years old and told that I was horrible.

It is a daily struggle for me to find value in myself when my younger years I was told I was not good enough and never would be. I try so hard to accomplish things and always fall just short and I'm sure it has to do just with my own mental process. I don't know how to rewire my own thinking and I look for validation everywhere from everyone because I feel like I just can't do it on my own.

I wish I had the answers, I do. But like the commercials say "It gets better."

My husband loves me, my daughter loves me, I have friends, I have family, I laugh a lot.. but I don't know how to get over the things that affected me the most, which are what I told you about today.

P.S. -  Thought I'd mention that the guy who made my life hell has apologized for it. Legitimately apologized. But, unfortunately apologies don't take away memories.

What I learned from doing a LivingSocial Deal

Alright, so, we all know that the first rule of photography is "Don't discount yourself". We also know that doing deals like Groupon and LivingSocial shouldn't happen.

Well after feeling hopeless and not getting business, even after guided direction from pros in marketing, after 8 months of hard work, I gave in. I did a deal with LivingSocial. I originally said no when the guy contacted me, I told him that it was entirely a ripoff and I would have no part it in. However, he was a very convincing salesman and after a half hour of being on the phone with him he got me to change my mind.. especially since I had a photographer friend who did amazingly with her LivingSocial deal, she made a profit, had fun, built her portfolio... 

He convinced me that 99% of their clients upsell people easily and that's how they make money off of the deal, he even showed me ways how I could upsell and what I could do. So I said ok, fine, I'll do it - an impulsive decision. I signed the contract, sent it back, then immediately felt sick to my stomach.

I realized I was literally giving my work away and that this entire thing was purely for marketing only and nothing else. I would not be making ANY money off of this deal. I capped the deal at 35 sessions - high for me, low for them. They tried to convince me to cap it higher, I said no way and explained why 35 was even too high.

I sold out in 3 hours - I did however, book two additional sessions who saw the deal sold out and they purchased for regular session prices.

What I learned about this;

#1 - They take a ton of the money. I'm embarrassed to even admit how much I discounted for, but after they took their cut I ended with $20 a session. 20 bucks. Barely covered gas - and if I needed to hire a babysitter I was out money. PS - my first EVER paid session was $25 - yeah, please forgive my stupidity.

#2 - Only a single person was upsold on products other than what was given in the deal.

#3 - Some people who buy the deals are genuinely awesome and appreciated the deal. I met a couple of people that I just adore, out of those awesome people, only one rebooked me for a future date.

#4 - I made more money with the 2 regularly booked sessions than I did with the entire 35 livingsocial deals.

#5 - Most of the people were bargain hunters and felt that they were owed everything in the world because they paid oh-so-much-money (no, you really didn't), in my opinion if you got a single good image you should be happy.  I did my best to provide at least 15 proofs for each 1/2 hour session and I honestly didn't care if people were happy about that amount because it was WAY more than fair. Way more.  But in fairness, I expected that to happen - I know about bargain hunters and who they are. I was doing it for more of the hope that some people would love their images and refer me to others.

#6 It's great if you need to portfolio build quickly. Book everyone in the same areas for the same days, do 3 shoots within 2 hours and  voila - super quickly updated portfolio.

#7 People procrastinate and wait until the last 3 days of the deal to say "oh hey... I want to schedule this now. I paid for it. I don't care if you're already booked, figure it out." - Sorry dude, not my problem, learn to book in advance you had 6 months (just to be nice though I've honored them past the date).


Overall, it was a good experience. Why? How could something like this be a good experience? Because, sometimes you just have to learn for yourself why things don't work. It did give me an updated portfolio, but nothing else other than a general idea of how to get myself noticed.

One thing I learned was that half of the people said "I searched forever for Cleveland photographers and you never came up in the search engine!" when I realized I had optimized my website for my general area, and not the "Cleveland" area even though Cleveland is only 20 minutes away and whenever I do searches I search for "Cleveland" not for my area. I was like "oops!" so I redid my website to optimize it and that was a good thing. Was it worth all of the time and effort I spent? No.

Was it a good experience? Yes.
Would I do it again? No way.


Valuing your work is important. People don't value close to free and after making more on 2 sessions than I did on 35... I realized that I should have just waited for those 2 sessions.


Oh! Another thing it helped me with; I learned to say "No" or "I'm not available, book now." - good marketing tactics to get people to book ASAP.


So, there you have it. My experience with LivingSocial.


Be smart; undervaluing yourself as a business only gets you disrespected and not learning from other people's mistakes is another mistake - I had read all about other people and didn't care, this wasn't about other people, it was about me!

The only people I can see this benefiting at all are new photographers who would like to quickly build a portfolio.

101 things to accomplish in 1001 Days

1.) Pay off all debt. ALL debt.
2.) Don't eat past 8:30p.m. for 30 days.
3.) Exercise 4 times a week for a year.
4.) Do a juice fast for 3 days.
5.) Learn more sign language.
6.) Finish writing 4 novels in 4 months.
7.) Lose 50 pounds.
8.) Be irresponsible for a night.
9.) Visit California.
10.) Make a million dollars.
11.) Make a new friend.
12.) Plan my own photoshoot.
13.) Get off the internet for a week.
14.) Potty train Ana.
15.) Actually trust someone.
16.) Forgive.
17.) Run in a 5k.
18.) Write an inspirational note and leave it in a random book in the library.
19.) Buy a lottery ticket.
20.) Go star gazing.
21.) Kiss under the stars.
22.) Make a baby or adopt one.
23.) Go to the zoo.
24.) Share a song that I've written.
25.) Pay for someone's stuff at the store.
26.) Tell someone how I really feel about them.
27.) See a movie in theaters.
28.) Run a mile a day for a week.
29.) Be honest with myself.
30.) Meet someone famous and make a good impression.
31.) Have a best selling book.
32.) Go rock climbing.
33.) Go fishing.
34.) Go for a hike in the metroparks.
35.) Learn to cook something new.
36.) Buy a new car.
37.) See a comedy show.
38.) Go ice skating.
39.) Visit Chicago with the hubs and daughter.
40.) Visit NYC with the hubs.
41.) Play outside.
42.) Go to Ireland or Scotland.
43.) Get my eyebrows waxed.
44.) Feel confident.
45.) Make homemade cinnamon rolls.
46.) Go to a beach in a warm state.
47.) Figure out how to repair stretch marks naturally.
48.) Fly a kite.
49.) Swing on a swing in the woods.
50.) Make another secret garden.
51.) Visit Toccoa.
52.) Get a pedicure.
53.) Get a manicure.
54.) Do something outrageous that makes my husband smile.
55.) Strength train for 2 days a week.
56.) Get a video camera.
57.) Visit the art museum.
58.) Drink nothing but water for 30 days.
59.) Write an encouraging letter to different people every day for 30 days.
60.) Invite people over.
61.) Get a new tattoo.
62.) Organize the closet.
63.) Sew a dress
64.) Donate everything we don't use on a regular basis.
65.) Finish ALL of the laundry.
66.) Get a new couch set.
67.) Help someone cross the street.
68.) Help someone put groceries in their car.
69.) Help someone with photography.
70.) Do a free photo session for someone I love to show them as they are.
71.) Get a picture of myself and put it online, unphotoshopped.
72.) Learn to dance.
73.) Learn to play a song on the guitar.
74.) Help someone realize their potential in life.
75.) Love unconditionally.
76.) Buy a gift for someone when it's no special day. Just a day and because I feel like it.
77.) Get a new camera bag.
78.) Get a point and shoot camera.
79.) Buy Breaking Dawn and be proud of it. lol
80.) Try sushi.
81.) Send flowers to someone anonymously
82.) Buy myself an outfit that fits.
83.) Buy myself a new pair of shoes.
84.) Watch a football game.
85.) Take a bubble bath.
86.) Take a long shower.
87.) Stop wearing my husband's clothes.
88.) Buy some new towels.
89.) Buy a bathroom set.
90.) Write a new quote on our dry erase board.
91.) Share my actual weight with someone and keep myself accountable by updating weekly.
92.) Add a pin to pinterest.
93.) Have a pin of mine shared over 100 times.
94.) Book 20 fully paid sessions.
95.) Be myself and be excited about it.
96.) Drink a cup of black coffee.
97.) Paint a large canvas
98.) Learn the names and order of all the Presidents.
99.) Learn a foreign language.
100.) Read a book a month.
101.) Buy a new computer.

I'm Fat.

Every day I wake up and I look in the mirror. I lift my shirt up to see the stretch marks and the sagging skin from the wonderful joys of being a mother. Every day I see the inches of fat I need to lose and the cellulite. I don't even step on the scale anymore, I'm afraid it might go off and be like "You are too fat to weigh! GET OFF" sure that might be exaggerating a bit, but I'm terrified to even know how much I weigh right now.

I see that when I smile I have a double chin, makeup only does so much to cover the insecurities I face on a daily basis.

Most days I prefer not to even go outside. I'd rather not face the public, even though I realize that they are all self-involved and probably don't even notice me. I sit down on the bed and pull on a pair of Spanx, trying to shove every piece of unfit crappyness that my body is into this nylon contraption, in the hopes that it will make me a little less repulsive.

I hide under blankets or behind pillows when people come over, hoping that it might mask the weight.

Every time I open the cupboad in the kitchen, it goes in slow motion. I think about not eating anything all day because hey, if you don't eat, you can't gain weight, right? My body clearly doesn't need anything more, it's had enough.

I don't bother trying to look good. Clothes at my size are more expensive and never flattering. I might as well just stay in sweatpants and a sweatshirt all day, because I'm not going to look good in normal clothes anyway.

I could try to justify it and say that I'm fat, accept me as I am. But I don't want to accept myself as I am. I don't. It's gross, it's unhealthy and could kill me. I could say that it's genetics, or that my metabolism just isn't that great, or that it was caused from being pregnant and being a mom... but the truth is, I've just been lazy and uncaring about myself. I've started 800 diets and failed them all. I see people losing weight around me all of the time, why can't I do it? It just sucks, ya know?

It sucks to feel like you're the only failure around you. Especially when I work so hard to be the best at everything and I do a pretty good job at anything I put my mind to. But for some reason there is a mental block that is telling me I cannot do this. I don't know why, I don't know why I feel so stuck being this way. I hate it. I hate feeling judged for eating any type of food. I hate that people come over after I haven't eatten all day and I sit down to eat and they go "Are you sure you need that?" you're right, I don't, I'll be anorexic, it'll be awesome! Except I could never be anorexic because I like food.

There's a friend I have who always talks about how fat girls are. I think he makes it a point to say it around me.

I try to let it go, I try to eat well, I try to exercise, but I fail. I just want to give up. I don't know what to do. I can't afford a personal trainer or a gym membership. I can't afford a nutritionist or to have my stomach stapled. I have to do it on my own.

I'm just sick of myself. I'm not even comfortable with my husband seeing me naked. My husband! The man I have been with for 5 years almost every day. The longest we've ever been apart is 2 weeks, since the day I met him.

Every day I say I can do it, I can be better, but I just fail. I'm tired of myself.

I see beautiful women all around me, all the time. They hit on my husband too. I can't help but to think "What if I'm not good enough for him? He's good looking, girls hit on him all the time, what if he decides that because I am the way I am, it's just not good enough anymore? Then what?"

It's become so bad at times that I wonder if people would just be better off without me. Like maybe if I just left they would all have a better life, because what am I really contributing? I am just wasting space in society and eating food that some poor kid in Africa would die for. Literally.

It's depressing. I feel like I have a sickness that is 100% curable but I'm too weak to do it myself but no one is willing to help me cure it.

I'm hoping that I will be able to do this, to lose weight, to stick with it. But I feel pretty hopeless, alone, ashamed, disgusted.

Hopefully my personality is good enough to make up for what I lack in physical features.

Why yes, I am bossy!

For a majority of the time I am a super laid back, easy going individual. I like making people happy and I enjoy seeing the smiles on all of your faces. I will listen to your problems and stay up until 3a.m. with you to make sure that you are alright.

However, business is an entirely different side of me. It's a side that you will likely not see any other time, but it's a very important one. There are a few things that you need to know about me, how I work and what you should expect if you work with me.

#1 - I work until the job is done.

 Now this seems like a "duh everyone works until the job is done!" When I say I work until the job is done, that means I dislike taking breaks. That means I work while I eat, I stay up until I can't keep my eyes open anymore, sleep for a few hours and then get back to it. I literally have to be forced to stop when I am 'in the zone'.

#2 - I will be the best.

This is not a question of 'if' or 'how' or 'can I?' it is a simple fact. If I work at something, I work to be the absolute best, not good, not great, but the best. Period. If someone else is better than I am, it wont last for long. I am a fast learner and like I said; I don't stop. This also doesn't mean that I strive to be the best. It starts out that way of course, but I am not satisfied until I have been recognized publicly as the best. If I'm not recognized, I'm not done yet.

#3 - If you work with me, you better be prepared to keep up.


If you have no desire, no determination, but just want the end result without putting in any effort, I will kiss your butt goodbye. I am not a babysitter, you are an adult who is perfectly capable of working just as hard as I am, and I expect you to. If you're a slacker that means I am picking up your end of the workload and therefore slowing myself down. Why does this slow me down if I had to do it myself to begin with? Because I now have set expectations that you will do what is required of you and I focus entirely on what I am supposed to be doing. If you don't pull through I have to work overtime in order to makeup for what you left behind. I dislike this and you will hear about it.

#4 - I expect people to be on time.

If we are talking about photography, being late is 100% unacceptable. You must be early. If you aren't early, you are wasting not only my time and money but other people's time and money. They are paying by the minute and they have lives they like to get back to.

#5 - You get three chances with me.

Due to the fact that my dad put me in softball from the time I was 9 years old and on, I learned to think of things in baseball terms. In baseball you get 3 strikes and you're out. In work, you get 2 chances to get it right and if by that 3rd time you are still failing, you're done. This doesn't mean I don't have a learning curve, or that I wont teach you the proper way to do your job. It means that if you waste my time by not caring, by being late and/or by being disrespectful you're lucky to get 3 chances.

#6 - I love teaching people.

Yes, I am bossy. Yes, I have standards. But I love to teach and find joy in it, if you are eager to learn and willing to help, I am willing to teach and be kind about it.

#7 - I set goals and expect you to set them as well.

If you have nothing to achieve then you are doing things for no purpose. Create a large goal and then create small goals to reach it.

#8 - I love friends and I am working on being kind and friendly in the work place, but when I'm at work, I'm at work. I separate the two. I'm not a socializing work person, I am a 'Go in, get the job done, socialize later.' kind of person. I dislike when people waste my time and therefore do not want to waste theirs with idle chit-chat and nonsense.

#9 - Put the cell phone down. Put it on silent.

It's respectful.

So there you go, now you know a little more about me and what I expect. I'm a hard worker, flaky people need not apply.

Controvery

There have been many times where I've wanted to say exactly what I felt, I've typed it out countless times, but I always erase it. Why though?

Because I am afraid of the judgement that would come from my mostly unpopular views. I'm not a perfect human being and I am sure that my ideas, ideals and thoughts will reflect that. However, I am open to learning from individuals who are clear, concise and understanding.

I have many opinions on various subjects. I have learned to keep my mouth shut, because if I want interaction with human beings, my unpopular views and beliefs must be kept secret.

I ask questions that cause debates and will rebuttle with things that may throw people off guard or make them uncomfortable. It's irritating to me that people can't post respectful debates and instead just get judged based on their opinion, due to the fact that everybody always views themselves as correct.

I wasn't always this way though. I didn't always ask questions or have opinions, in fact it was mostly the opposite. I was a quiet, shy, people pleasing individual that only wanted to make other people happy. All I wanted was a friend. But I've realized that real friends rarely exist, everyone is out to better themselves and unless you have something that you can contribute to their lives they wont care.

In fact, I doubt many people will read this post. But that's okay. It's not for anyone else. This is for me.
This is me attempting to be somewhat vulnerable and transparent. I'm doing a pretty bad job getting anywhere.

I have this friend, his name is Dan. Dan is a very thought-provoking individual. What I mean by that is; he constantly questions everything and he always asks the question "Why?" this can be entirely irritating. Sometimes I just want to say something and not have to think about why I said it, I just said it - okay? But a majority of the time I am very thankful that he listens and allows me to expand on why I believe something, or why I thought the way that I do on whatever subject.

I have found comfort in this friendship, because he actually honestly cares why I believe something. He lets me get to the end of my thought - even if it's broken up and takes me a while to form entirely - before he tells me his opinion or thoughts on what I discussed.

Why can't everyone be that way? Can't people just be respectful of differing opinions and viewpoints? My viewpoint might be that I am unaccepting of certain lifestyle choices, but I am content with agreeing to disagree with you on the matter. Or I am open to listening to why whatever lifestyle choice is a good thing, if you give me valid reasons to consider and don't just tell me that I'm wrong.

It's funny because until recently, Dan and I rarely agreed on anything. Most of our conversations were in disagreement with each other but it never felt that way, because he was able to take the emotion out of it and just see it as a topic of conversation, not a personal attack when I had a disagreeing viewpoint.

I have an inner conflict with my own thoughts and beliefs at times;

A major one being homosexuality.

Part of me will never be accepting of the idea. To me it is unnatural, it's kinda gross and I feel like I have to be politically correct and wonder if what I'm saying may accidentally offend someone because of stereotypes that other people set up.

The other part of me LOVES them. I love these people, they are normal human beings, with feelings, emotions etc. they are people. A lot of times that is forgotten, that they are human. I know my previous statement would be wildly offensive and hurtful to people who are homosexual. It's a difficult thing for me to explain how I feel because my innerbeing is so conflicted on the matter.

I've been taught that it's wrong.
I've been taught to love everyone.
I've been taught that marriage is for man and woman.
I've been taught that God doesn't make mistakes.
I've been taught that there are people who are born that way and it is a psychological and scientific fact that their brains operate differently.
I've been taught that those who are not Christians are not held to the same standards of life that I am and I am to be accepting of them but not necessarily the lifestyle.

So if all of these things are true.. what do I believe? How do I choose between what the Bible says? It clearly groups homosexuality into sin with numerous other things that people do every day, but it is the only 'sin' that is not viewed at by the public as a sin. However, if God doesn't make mistakes, he's all knowing, these people were literally born with their brain wired differently.... then how can I be condemning of it? Was it just a human point of view in the verse that condemns homosexuality?

I choose to be loving and accepting because they need it just as much as everyone else. But there's always a little bit of reluctance and an uneasy feeling when people ask me my views on homosexuality and homosexual marriage because I can't 100% support it because of the inner conflict that I have.

Sure, you can call me ignorant. You can call me closed-minded. You can call me every name in the book. Truth is, it wont make a difference. Calling me names with nothing behind the words other than hurt feelings based on my opinions and thoughts, wont get you anywhere in my book, I'll shut you out and shut it off. If you have something legitimate to say and tell me that might help to clarify a viewpoint, I would love to listen and it is entirely possible that you would change my mind forever.

But people don't seem to understand that. They just think I'm stupid and end it and then that point of view is there forever. That's okay I guess, that's who I am.