Today I woke up late, I had 10 minutes notice that we were leaving for church. I originally didn't want to go, but ultimately decided I would just throw my hair back, spray in some dry shampoo and quickly put some eyeliner on.
The drive there seemed to take forever. Ana in the backseat talking up a storm, she's never quiet you know. She always has something to say and if she doesn't have something to say, she has something to sing, and if she doesn't have something to sing she has something to hum. I looked out the window of the car, watching the fields of nothingness pass us by as we came into the town where the church was.
Ana said "I remember this place! I've been here before!" she's 4 years old and we hadn't been there since she was younger than a year old, how she remembers it, I have no idea.
I took her to the children's church, signed her in and dropped her off for an hour and a half of sitting alone in a pew listening to a pastor speak.
The service began with a time of worship, to sing praises to the Lord. I always look intently on the people who are singing, you can tell a lot about a person in the way they stand, hold themselves, whether they are nervous and trying to hold back from blowing chunks. I have this strange way of knowing people's character before I meet them. Knowing if they are doing things with good intentions or if there's more to it, like fame or a desire to be seen. A spirit of discernment.
I was looking at each musician and singer, all of whom seemed to be pure in intentions, a few who were a little nervous. But then in the back, in the shadows was a female guitarist. Something about her struck me as different. I got this overwhelming desire of "I must know who she is." she was wearing a grey skirt and a purple shirt with ruffles, but flat shoes, no jewelry and no makeup. Her posture was slightly hunched, possibly from the weight of the guitar which looked to be almost as big as her. She was not like the others. You could tell in the way she stood, the way she never looked up or looked at the audience, the way she focused on her instrument, that she was used to no one paying attention to her.
I couldn't help but look at her and wonder what her story was. The last time I felt the intense urge to know someone was 7 years ago when I first met Audey.
7 years ago, I sat in a church service, one I didn't want to be at, one I felt I was wasting my time at and felt like I could be doing something better. But I sat there because it was required by our college. I was slumped down in the chair, my arms were folded and I was sitting near the back ready to make a run for it as soon as the hall monitors weren't looking. Should one of them have seen me I would have made the excuse of, "I just need to use the bathroom."
As I sat there, waiting for my moment to dash, he was introduced. My initial thought was 'hurry up and start talking so I can make my run for it while people are looking at you and not at me." but then he began speaking. I don't know what it was about him, but my desire to run was vanished. My attention was on him and I couldn't even see him. I was so far back and he was so far forward and the lights were so bright that I couldn't make out any features other than the way he stood. He told his story, one which was very honest and heart felt. I sat in my chair, waiting for everyone to leave and waiting for him to pass me. I had to know who he was. I watched as he walked by and my vocal chords were frozen, I couldn't say anything. In the coming days, I saw him in the cafeteria, I watched who he sat with, where he went, but I was terrified to say hello.
I was standing in the cafeteria one day and I was introduced, he barely even looked at me. The conversation went something like this,
"This is Cherise, Cherise this is Audey."
"Hi. Okay guys let's go!" he said as he walked past me.
That's ok, I guess I'm just not worth his time. Even though I felt as though I were being brushed off, and not worth his time, that didn't stop the persistent desire to know him and know his story.
Eventually we became friends, probably the moment I visited him in the hospital while we wondered if he was going to die, but that's a story for another time.
This girl, the one who gave me the same "I have to know you" feeling. That feeling I haven't had for 7 years, I wanted to meet her. I had this sickening "I want to throw up" feeling just thinking about meeting someone new, but I wasn't going to let it hold me back this time. I waited after church, I looked around and tried to find her but she was gone. She must have left after the worship part of the service had ended.
I'll meet her soon, there's no doubt about it.
